*Please note this post may contain triggers*
If you follow my Instagram page and watch my stories you might know that I’m trying to create a fitspo blog!!!…okay, that’s not true, but you’ll know that I’m trying to develop healthier habits including eating more whole foods, exercising and creating routine and consistency. And! I also want to start exercising my brain again, as it’s turned into a mushy mess.
First of all, I love the idea of starting fresh in the new year, but I honestly can’t wait that month to “reboot” my life. And I’m a firm believer of not waiting to make changes, particularly when you can start now.
So why am I rebooting? After all, I ain’t a computer. And why do I even to put some label on it?
I’m going to start with the long story, because, well, I want to and I’m really keen to waste some more of your time! For the last 6 months my mood as been all over the place. I think after a year of focusing on my mental health, I kinda shut down and did nothing and was completely unproductive. A large part of me was worried my depression had crept back into my life. About two to three months ago, my specialist recommended that I change my anti-depressant medication – so I did. I personally feel like this one is working better as recently I’ve had a lot more energy and feel motivated, so this is the most important thing.
The next bit probably won’t make sense as it’s a massive contradiction. I do feel happier but I also don’t feel better. It’s honestly a hard thing to explain. The concept of feeling better and feeling worse all at the same time.
Why do I feel better? I feel ready to make change. And for me that’s a really reinvigorating feeling. Something, I haven’t felt to this degree for quite some time.
Why do I feel worse? I’ve let a lot of things slide over the last 6 months, including my health and this blog, and I haven’t read in a book in who knows when. In the last two to three months, I’ve gained 12 kilograms (which is about 26 pounds). That being said, I don’t consider myself fat and you shouldn’t either – I put my mental health first before the size or weight of my body. And I think it’s important to feel good about yourself before anything else. But – I know, I’m at my best when I’m working out, eating whole foods, learning new things and heck, even just shit talking here on my blog. And I guess that’s why I feel worse. I’ve lost focus on my values and my values keep me feeling…good? Look, I’m not sure if good is the word I’m looking for – ultimately, I need a purpose. Without purpose or focus, I’m a hot mess! Without the hot! But the bright side is – I’m ready to make a change. I’m ready to reboot.
We probably all go through this. I know I’m not special. But these stages of pause, of where our actions are counterproductive to what we actually want can make us feel like failures. And I’m tired of feeling like a failure.
My reboot is not all physical. I don’t want to lose weight or become thinner or lose the weight I gained – I want to gain my strength and fitness back, and I want to learn new things.
Why am I starting now? Why not two years ago when you didn’t have this blog and you didn’t have eyes on you and wanted the attention?
Well, that escalated quickly. And what an awful question to ask! Want, does that mean I’m an awful person??? Any who. Two years ago I was actually feeling pretty darn great, before well, I wasn’t. I spent a year struggling with my mental health, having panic attacks every day before I started to feel like I was finding my feet again. And truthfully, this blog helped A LOT. It was just nice having a platform to write stuff and document things even though no one was watching or reading at the time. Then, before and during my trip to the USA in October, I had some really low lows. I genuinely thought my depression was coming back and I was again struggling with my anxiety. Even on my 2-3 week holiday, I felt myself at times hating being out and just faking how I was feeling. Don’t get me wrong – I had some really happy moments, which made me realise I was in more of a funk than having an episode. This made me realise I needed to change my habits.
The key moment that I realised I wanted a reboot?
I really enjoyed my time with Jess, if you don’t follow her please do! She’s super duper stylish and is such a nice person in real life.
Why was this photo a trigger for me?
At that time and still at this time – 90% of my clothes don’t fit me anymore. And 99% of my pants don’t fit me. For me, weight gain isn’t a huge issue and I don’t believe that I am fat. Which I know is contradicting because I’m talking about it and mentioning it and if it wasn’t such a big deal, then why am I even mentioning it?????
Being someone who has always been active in some shape or form, I feel my best when I’m active. And over the last couple of months I’ve lost a large amount of strength and fitness. And frankly, I ain’t pooping as much because I’m eating so much junk food!! Yes, you read right. I’m not pooping everyday and when I do poop I’m in there for quite some time!
This isn’t healthy. The pooping part or lack of pooping part. I went through a lot of digestive issues in the past which in turn made me change my diet. I was someone who didn’t eat whole foods and because of that I got sick a lot. So, I changed my diet. I ate a shit load of fruit and veggies. I felt better in my older age than I had as a teen. Plus I was pooping so regularly and with such ease! But over the last few months (admittedly it was probably much longer than that), my diet had largely reverted back to donuts, cookies, dairy-free ice cream, fries, fries and more fries. This isn’t a bad thing, as I’ll always eat these types of food. But you know, it’s about balance.
Sorry Jess if you’re reading this! But later that night, at her house, when we all went to bed. I probably cried for two hours before I took a pill to help me sleep. It’s strange because I really did enjoy my day thrifting with Jess. She took time out of her day to show me around Baltimore and even gave me a bed to sleep on. She is seriously killer! But in a good way, like killing it at life way, not in a scary murderer way. But my mood was at the lowest it had been for quite some time and I don’t know why that picture above triggered me so much. But that person I saw, she wasn’t me. And it made me realised I hadn’t been feeling like myself for the last few months. I had been in denial, letting myself get too lazy – spending a shit tonne of money, eating out all the time, barely writing a word on my blog, not creating “new” content instead just reposting old photos to get the likes and not stimulating my brain. And I guess this picture made me realise this and I’m not so sure why. I was smiling but I wasn’t happy.
What my reboot will consist of:
> eating more whole foods
> getting active (even if that just means standing up from my desk at work every hour)
> consistency with jogging (I used to love jogging and it’s something that I do miss. One of my goals, for years, is to run the Bridge to Brisbane in 45mins. I want to make this happen)
> read a book (minimum every fortnight. When I’m feeling well, I read and I read a lot. When I’m feeling shitty, I don’t pick up a book. This is just how my mood works, when I don’t feel great, I don’t want to do the things that I love)
> exercise my brain! (I want to learn a new skill, or at least learn something. I get bored if I’m not learning and boredom is a huge trigger for me)
> increase my flexibility (this basic bitch wants to do the splits!)
> be consistent with my freaking blog!!! (I’m hoping once a week. Please hold me accountable and hassle the crap out of me!)
> I want to start writing fiction again (I studied literature if you can’t tell by my crappy grammar!)
> most importantly, I want to create a habit of not hating myself – this will be the toughest I think – but it also why I want to make other changes to my life. To achieve this, I need to make wholistic changes.
The reboot isn’t necessarily a challenge where I plan on stopping after 8 weeks. This is a lifestyle reboot. I’m just ready to start feeling better for myself. And I’m ready to start looking after myself.
See told you, that was a long ass story!!!
SOOOOOOO! How did week one go?
It actually went pretty well. I started writing this blog post last week and am now only starting to finish it off now! This week threw me off a little as I went to Sydney for a few days and when I got back to work, I was just so incredibly tired. So, I kinda took it easy because I’m not about that burnout life!
Some workout stats for week one!
Now, I’m at the end of week two. It was a big week going to Sydney, networking and just plain old boring office work. Not much to report here! I thought I would show some of my workout stats for week two anyway!
I’m not going to put any measurements around my current size, nor do I have any measurement goals. I just want to get fitter. Lift heavy. Run 5km without feeling like I’m dying. Restart my hiking game! Get my butt into gear with my blog! Post interesting content, rather than just reposting my old photos over and over again. And exercise my brain once and a while. This isn’t a goal for 2020. It’s just…it’s just about working towards something – instead of staying in bed ALL THE TIME! I don’t expect results straight away. I shouldn’t expect results straight away. For one, it feels weird to write again and to be working on a couple of different blog posts. I don’t expect my words to be perfect, or even good just yet. If I did I probably would feel shit for myself all over again. So, hey! If me engrish bad excuse me!!! I haven’t been writing as much!
I’m going to try and keep a weekly update of how my project reboot is going. Including showing you my stats (i.e. has my flexibility increased? etc), what book I’m reading, what blog post I’m working on and maybe even some recipes! I haven’t posted a recipe on my blog for quite some time! I’m thinking I also want to film a monthly video to show you progress and the habits I’m developing. I really want to document this as I have a habit of starting something and never really finishing it or saying I want to do something and never actually doing it. And while I don’t have anything to “finish” per se I do want to create consistency. And consistency, like routine, isn’t always a bad thing.